A dream about Leung
I dreamt of my grandfather last night. I haven't dreamt of him in years. I desperately wanted to each night as I closed my heavy lids and sent my heart towards lightness.
This time, we were in a pharmacy. I was sitting down in the waiting area, where you pick up prescriptions. My grandfather was standing, leaning against a door frame. My grandfather was smiling and so happy, the way he always was. Happy to be waiting.
At this point in my dream, I was looking through my eyes in my point of view. I kept looking straight in his direction.There were a few other people in the room as well. I guess it's fitting to call them the 'background actors' of my dream.
Then, the pharmacist behind the counter, in a white lab coat, called his name, "Mr. Leung?"
To me, he'll always be "yeh-yeh" - (grandfather in Cantonese). It was weird to hear his surname being called.
"Mr. Leung?" The pharmacist said again.
Yeh-Yeh laughs and says, "Oh me?"
"Are you Mr. Leung?" the pharmacist replies.
Yeh Yeh looks in my direction and with a slight happy hop and cheeky playful smile says to me,
"I don't know. Am I Mr. Leung?" I nod in reply.
My grandfather looks to the pharmacist and in his native language, in Cantonese, says,
"I guess I am Mr. Leung. I haven't heard my name in so long. How long have you been calling my name?" He asked.
The pharmacist replies, "We've been calling your name for a week already! Ai ya... Your medicine's been ready for a week!"
Ignoring the pharmacist, Yeh-Yeh walks towards me and kneels down in front of my feet. At that moment, I transform into myself as a young child. my small, short legs are dangling over the blue chair I am sitting in. I swing my feet back and forth, nervous and excited to hear what he was going to say. Yeh-Yeh tries to reach out his hand to touch me, but he cannot. Something is stopping him. I suddenly realize that there is an invisible force field between us.
And as quickly as things materialize in dreams, I knew in that moment, we were present in different realms and that he cannot come into mine. This realization shatters me. I start crying painfully, my eyes gushing tears. My throat tightens up and I cannot breathe. It felt so real. I was so incredibly sad.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was to touch my Yeh-Yeh. So, I begin to pray. I BEG God to just allow him to come through just once and touch me. "Please God. Pleeeeaase..."
It felt as if my heart cracked open and all that was left inside were salty tears.
Suddenly, a black sheet appeared between us ... A latex type of sheet. And a few seconds later, a form began to emerge... A hand pushing through the latex with all it's might. My grandfather's hand.
pushing through... I see his knuckles forming. Lines on his fingers emerged. All the cuts he used to have on his rough hands from handling those thorny roses.
He was a florist. I can still remember the touch and the feel of those rough, thorn-cut hands. 14 years later, since we last saw each other... since his death. I can still recall the exact feeling of those hands. Of course, they were the hands that carried me inside his jacket, when I was a baby, to escape the frigid cold. They were the hands that made the best cold beef flank steak and pickled cucumbers. The hands that bought Crunch brand ice-cream bars every payday and brought them home to share with his favorite grand-daughter. The loving hands of such an incredible man.
Through the weird, cosmic black latex sheet .. He reached out with his left hand to touch my little hands that rested on my knee. At the moment of contact, I felt a calming relief come over me. I felt love. I felt the immense universe cave in and fit itself into that little moment. I felt God. I felt truth. I felt safe. My tears beamed with light. But as fast as it happened and as all those feelings rushed into me simultaneously, I felt an eternity of moments captured in those few seconds.
It was time. He had to withdraw his hand and return to his side of the invisible wall.
Every time I dream of Yeh-Yeh (3 times in 14 years) he's smiling and happy. And in those dreams, there is always an element of touch. The last time I dreamt of him, he allowed me to touch his wrinkled face. I spent the entire dream just touching and examining his face. In this dream, it was more difficult for us to touch. I wonder why?
His death anniversary is coming up. My grandfather passed away on my 12th birthday. I never knew how much he impacted my life. I learn more about it everyday. Every year. My most beloved family member. I miss you. I think about you everyday. I carry you inside my heart of salty tears.